Death By Malnutrition

The clock beside his bed flickered like eyelids as the numbers changed on the face. He watched, wishing that the numbers would change faster. The bottle felt heavy as he caught it and then tossed it up in the air again. And again. And again. He did this over and over until the clock flickered again and the numbers changed. Only ten more minutes, he whispered to the nothingness that filled his room. Only ten more minutes, his whispered again, becoming a chant until he dropped the bottle. The clatter of the pills inside was chilling, like the death rattle that’s was coming after him, or so he thought. Looking around, he all he saw was darkness, even around the light that was blazing right beside him, as he sat on the edge of his bed. It’s almost like the edge of my life, he muttered to the shadows which threatened to engulf him.
A sudden, explosive tap caused him to jump and turn to the source of the unwanted noise. But all he saw, bathed in light from the lamp, was a picture, in a flimsy wooden picture frame that was covered in macaroni. In this picture, a set of deep, dark chocolate eyes stared back at him. The white-yellow teeth that filled the face seemed out of place in the room, full of brightness. The tanned skin that covered that face, and the arm that was also in the picture. A largish, round nose, and dark, scruffy hair that was stuck in all directions dominated the face, but competed with the large, black glasses that sat on the top of his nose. His face was sitting in that picture, frozen in time, smiling like he had never smiled in the last few years. If you looked closely, you could see tears, not of sorrow but of joy. So this is what I look like to other people, he mused, staring at the picture. Well, he thought, I can see why they liked to do those things. I look like such an ass. But as he thought these things, at the same time his eyes fell on another picture, right beside it. Printed off the computer, it was on rough, plain paper, but the scene was anything but plain. The same face, minus the glasses, with the same smile. Only now you could see his whole body, and the bodies of several other people, all the same age, girls and boys. The were all holding hands, and standing at ready to jump into the pool in front of them, their joy obvious. We had so much fun, he thought turning that picture over so could not see what he was about to do to himself. If only we had stayed together as friends.
He gave himself over to the memory, grabbing with eager but hasty grip. He must not miss the right time, or else it would be all wrong, and he would have to wait. But now the memory came on, harder then any beatings. He saw through his own eyes, as he had a hold of his friend Nik with one arm, and Doug on the other. He remembered moving forward, the shock of the cold water like electricity as they all hit the water together. The fun they all had together, chicken fighting and dunking each other. He remembered that Nik had thrown the first girl in, and then had followed with the rest of them. Then he had jumped in on Nik’s encouragement, flailing around in that water splashing everything that moved. He remembered that night, the games they had played, the fire that had been built, as he sat beside the girl he had finally asked out. Their joy had infected the entire group. That was a good day, full of fun and joy for all.
He was snapped back into reality, dragged into that dark room by the sudden panic that he had missed his deadline. But, there were five more minutes left, so he decided to look back on the last few years. Again digging up memories, he sorted them out and went through one by one.
He started with the first day of high school. Two of the group had gone elsewhere, but the eight others, himself included, had stormed into the building, looks of pure terror evident on more faces then just his. Gradual acceptance that nothing immediately bad was going to happen, and emboldened by this prospect, they all moved into the gym. Thus began high school.
As the days went by, they grew bolder about what they were doing, and gradually fell into the routine of school. Classes, bus rides, mornings and evenings had started to blend together, the group slowly finding others to confide in, and becoming more distant all the while. Each one moved into a new social status. Unfortunately while the others moved up he had moved, if possible, even lower. Even the girl he loved saw what he was, and dropped him. Always the nerd and the brat, he had been the victim at his elementary school. Things picked up where they had left off over the summer. He learned to walk with his head down again, and to do what other said without complaint. If he tried to do otherwise, he would receive another bruise, another badge of shame, in an inconspicuous place, where no one else would see or know. But they would know, and so would he. As the year progressed, things only felt worse. He could find no real group of friends, drifting from group to group, until he found the computers. They quickly became his solstice, and hid him a little each day, for a short amount of time, using them to battle those around him in games. He almost always came in dead last, but it was no difficult thing for him to accept. He became used to the crushing defeats, living and thriving on the small victories, and chewing away at their armies until someone with more power could take over for his work and destroy them completely.
The school year had ended, with him staying as he was. Single, a geek, and beaten and battered. Over the summer, something had happened to change him though. He met a girl named Sam at a beach. Only a year younger, and very beautiful, she was a power all her own. He fell right into love with her, and slowly they started sharing time together. After they left the beach, he had her email, and sought her out. When they found out how close they actually lived to each other (a short bike ride), they were ecstatic. But in his haste he left out one detail. And she crushed him when she said that she had a boyfriend. But, a little after school started, something wonderful happened. She broke up with her boyfriend, and came to him. He loved her, and told her many time. She listened, and together they had many wonderful times. It only lasted for a short while before they realized they were better off as friends, and not in love. So they moved only slightly apart, but stayed the best of friends. Through her, he learned of a new way of thinking, of life. It involved taking your pain, and changing it. Making it greater physically, taking it from your emotions, punishing yourself. He fell, literally headfirst into this life, becoming darker and darker, hating and feeling what he had never felt before. It was euphoria and sorrow, pain and healing, release and entrapment all at the same time.
This life had engulfed him like a flood. Soon he had lost all purpose, even thinking that God had abandoned him, left him for rot. The old group started to notice his fall, his dive into darker things, and tried to save him. But he ignored them, feeling the heat of their affection, their care, and retreating from it. He felt betrayed, felt hatred to them, those that had abandoned him, that had forced him to do this. All the time his new friend Sam led him deeper into the pit. But soon she saw what she had done, and how this might affect her. So she started to grow distant. After he realized it, he had tried to kill himself. This was his first attempt, and poorly planned. He wanted to make a statement, and so tried at school. He was going to do it in class, on one that had the most members of his old friends. But this proved his undoing, as his old friends saw what he was doing, what he was trying to do. Well, some of them did, and convinced him to not kill himself, well that time anyway.
He fell back into the present again, two minutes before the time. Placing the pills onto of the clock, he reached for the picture he had turned over, hoping for one more glace of who he was, and hating those who had made him this way. But as his hatred blazed, a cool spot glowed deep inside him. This cool spot thrust a rational though upon him, driving it like a hammer drives a nail. What will they think asked a small voice inside the coolness. Who cares he answered, filling every word with venom. They will, the voice said. They will care. Good, let them care, he answered. They betrayed me. Everyone betrayed me. My friends, my family, all of them, even God!
This thought sent chills flowing like a stream out of his heart. No one has abandoned you, the voice said. Not even I, although you feel different. You have been given this as a test. Now let us see how you will do.
Another voice, a deep voice flowing with contempt surfaced through the burning hatred. It’s all false, the voice cried. All false, because everyone has left you, because you are a nothing, a nobody, not something that would be accepted. But as this voiced cried out, the voice from the cool spot smothered it, and the coolness smothered the fire that burned within him. I am here, the cool voice claimed, and I have come to help you. You must never feel alone, because you never are. Remember me, and all your friends. Many still care.
The boy felt his anger and his hatred diminish. Very slowly and very slightly, but it was enough to starve the feelings that raged. A sense of peace fell over him, a sense of calm.
Then a jolt, a sudden scream of the clock shook him. This was it, he thought. It is going to be now. The end of me, and all I ever was and am. As the boy opened the bottle, he glanced at the picture of himself left standing. It felt too calm, too happy to belong. But something about it made him think, as he put his head back to swallow the pills.

New Updater - More soon

It has been a while since I even touched this blog. It’s been too long. I know I should do more, but a lot has happened recently that has kept me busy and harried. Hopefully I will be able to post new things on here soon. I plan to finish and begin various stories and post them here, on my other blog, and on devian art. Lethargy sucks.